One Liners COLLECTION

1. Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
   


2. Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
   


3. If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
   


4. 43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
   


5. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
   


6. A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
   


7. It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
   


8. Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
   


9. |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.
   


10. Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
    


11. Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!
    


12. Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
    


13. Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
    


14. The buck doesn't even slow down here!
    


15. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
    


16. If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
    


17. Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
    


18. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
    


19. Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
    


20. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
    


21. Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
    


22. Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
    


23. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
    


24. Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
    


25. We do precision guesswork.
    


26. My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
    


27. 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.
    


28. A penny saved is a government oversight.
    


29. Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
    


30. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
    

Confucious Says . . . . . . (Part I)

• Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
  


• Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
  


• Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
  


• Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.
  


• Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
  


• A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
  


• Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
  


• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  


• Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard. (Is that where Gen X comes from? - ^v^)
  


• Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
  


• He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
  


• Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
  


• Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
  


• He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
  


• Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
  


• Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
  


• He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
  


• Elevator smell different to midget.
  

Confucious Says . . . . . . (Part II)

• Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
  


• Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
  


• Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
  


• Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
  


• Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
  


• Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
  


• Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
  


• Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
  


• Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
  


• He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
  


• Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
  


• Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
  


• Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
  


• Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
  


• Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
  


• Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
  


• Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
  


• Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand
  

Confucious Says . . . . . . (Part III)

• Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
  


• Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!
  


• Work to become, not to acquire.
  


• A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
  


• Find old man in dark, not hard!
  


• Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
  


• Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose.
  


• Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
  


• Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
  


• Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
  


• He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.
  


• Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!
  


• It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
  


• Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.
  


• Confucius say too God damn much!
  


• Those who quote me are fools.
  


• Man who drive like hell bound to get there!
  


• Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!
  


• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
  


• Man who sit on tack get point!
  


• Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!
  


• War not determine who's right, war determines who's left.
  


• Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
  


• Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
  


• Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
  


• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
  


• Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
  


• Modern house without toilet uncanny.
  


• Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring
  


• Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
  


• Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
  


• Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
  


• Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
  


• Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
  


• Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
  


• Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
  


• Wife who slides down bannister makes monkey shine.
  


• Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
  


• He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
  


• Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.
  


• Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
  


• A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
  


• He who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
  


• He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
  


• Eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
  


• Sleepy man who stand behind car get exhausted.
  


• Sleepy man who stand in front of car get tired.
  


• Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wakes up with smelly fingaz.
  


• Man who have hand in pockets, not crazy, just feeling nuts.
  

Some Funny Taglines . . . . . .

2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
A good pun is its own reword.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
Don't use no double negatives, not never.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't eat the yellow snow.
Down with categorical imperatives.
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Familiarity breeds children.
Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine
Have an adequate day.
He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
How come wrong numbe rs are never busy?
I be t you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
I h ave had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Albran
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad. -- Allen
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Marx I
will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
Illiterate? Write for free help.
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -- Albert Einstein
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
I'll procrastinate...tomorrow.
I'll race you to China. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO!
Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry Camp
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
Life is like an analogy.
Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Money DOES talk -- it says good-bye.
Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
Mr. Bullfrog sez: Time is fun when you're having flies.
My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded. (I've actually HEARD this!)
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Politics: n. from Greek; "poli" - many; "tics" - ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund Freud
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
That was Zen; this is Tao.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
The death rate on Earth is: .... (computing) .... One per person.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston Churchill
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -- Rilla May
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it is just the opposite.
We aren't sure how clouds form. But they know, that is what counts.
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Key
What if there were no hypothetical situations? --Andrew Kohlsmith
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
Where there is a will, there is an Inheritance Tax.
Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it's said?
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
You simply *must* stop taking other people's advice.
You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Your lucky number is 364958674928. Watch for it everywhere.