Genie Lamp Jokes A man walking down the beach finds a old bottle A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. She says, "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1." The man thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance. __________________________________________________ A man on an Island finds a lamp on the beach While on vacation at a beautiful island get-a-way, a man discovers a lamp while walking on the beach. As these stories always go, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie grants him three wishes but adds one stipulation; "whatever you wish for your wife will get double." This really upsets the man who is in the middle of a nasty divorce. He decides on his three wishes and tells the genie,"First, I want to have 100 million dollars." "Done." says the genie. And, as promised, his wife receives 200 million dollars. "For my second wish, I want a huge mansion." Again it was done and his wife received a house twice as large. "So," said the man, "let me get this straight. I have a 100 million dollars and my wife has 200 million. I have a huge mansion and my wife has one twice that size." "Correct" says the genie. "What do you want for your third wish?" The man ponders momentarily and replies, "I want you to scare me half to death." __________________________________________________ A man stubs his toe on a magic lamp A man stubbed his toe while walking on the beach and looked down to see Aladdins's lamp. Knowing the story, he picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared. The genie said, "your wish is my command. Unfortunately, I am not a powerful genie and can only grant you one wish." The man stated that he had always wanted to visit his ancestral home in Europe but was afraid of flying and didn't trust boats. "Genie," he said, "I want you to build a highway across the ocean so that I can drive to Europe." The genie considered the logistics, driving pilings down through miles of water and then having the winds and sea lash at the pavement on the road. "That's pretty difficult," he said. "Is there something else that I can do for you?" The man thought for a moment and said, "I want to understand women." The genie thought and replied, "do you want that highway to be 2 lanes or four?" __________________________________________________ A man is granted one wish by a genie A guy was strolling down the street in Chicago where he came across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and out popped a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which our hero replied, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie granted his wish. So off the guy strolled, wondering how this will change his life, when he spied 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start he thought. As he picked it up, he noticed an OTB betting shop across the road. He strolled over, looked through the racing lists, and saw a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He put the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and as luck would have it, the horse bolted in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he headed to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and put the entire $1010 on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spun, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven. Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing? He knocked and entered. All of a sudden he was showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment put her arm around him and said, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure to inform you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures of any room and any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!" The guy said that he'd always fancied making it with an Indian girl.... so he was ushered into one of the rooms. Suddenly the most gorgeous subcontinental he has ever seen, entered the room. Little time passed before clothing was strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra was being well and truly practiced. At one point our lucky guy paused and said to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead." The Indian girl looked him in the eye and replied, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." He proceeded to remove the spot with his fingernail. Suddenly he leaned back and began laughing hysterically. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asked the Indian girl. He replied, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!" __________________________________________________ A Blonde, Brunette, and a redhead are on a Island A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. And for year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a geenie. The geenie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone. The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The geenie says to her " my dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here" __________________________________________________ Two men are on a stranded on a rubber dingy Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. "Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!" __________________________________________________ Two guys are in a locker room Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, " I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.' And I said, 'No shit!" __________________________________________________ Two homosexuals are granted 3 wishes by a genie Two older, white, homosexual gentlemen had been a couple for years, and were getting quite bored with their lives. They were looking at little knickknacks at a garage sale in the Castro, when one of them (Scott) stumbled upon what appeared to be a rare find. "Look Jim, I just found the most fabulous...pot, or, I dont know what! It is filthy, but I bet it would be flawless in our living room!" Jim agreed, and they purchased the object. Apparently, the holder of the sale had no idea just how valuable a thing he had on his hands, because he sold it for $10. Later that night, Scott decides he wants to dust off this old thing. To his surprise, what he thought was an old piece of pottery was in fact made of what appeared to be gold! "Honey, come here!" he yelled. Jim came running, and Scott continued to polish, until POOF!- A huge creature appears in their living room! Both men scream. "Do not be frightened!" The creature says. "I am the genie of the lamp, and you have freed me from 1000 years imprisonment by an evil sorceress. I will grant the two of you a total of three wishes as thanks!" The two take some time to gather themselves. They stare blankly at the genie, at each other, and at the lamp for a few minutes. Finally, Jim says: "Do we have to give all three now?" "Very well," the genie replies. "You have three days in which to ask for your wishes." With that, the genie vanished. The next day, the couple decided that they would each get one wish, and would pick the one together. They decided to first to ask for wealth. When they woke up the next day, Scott found out that he had won $100 million in the lottery, and Jim discovered that he was a distant cousin of the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan had just died, and left Jim $500 million. That same day Scott asked for beauty. When they awoke the next morning (in their fabulous new Belvadere Mansion), they were both stunning. Jim was a full 6 inches taller, looked twenty-five again, but was more beautiful than he had ever been at that or any age. Scott lost all his blemishes, 50 pounds, and looked like a cross between his old self and a GQ model. Finally, it was Jims turn. Around midnight on the third day, Scott asked Jim what he was going to wish. But Jim had ALWAYS been finicky. It once took him five hours to decide whether to buy a pillow case in grape or aubergine. "Hurry and think of something before its too late!" Scott said. Jim decided he needed time to think, so he went off to the veranda to ponder this important decision. Just that moment, Scott heard a loud banging at the door. "Who is it?" he says. "Open up boy! We gone kill you!!", a southern-accented voice replies. Scott looks through the window and sees men in white hoods on horses, burning crosses on his lawn... "Honey! Honey! COME QUICK!!!! The KKK is outside our door!" Jim runs over. "What in the world are THEY doing in Marin County-I thought this place was liberal-well, I'll call the police!" Jim says. But the phones are DEAD! The Klansmen had cut the lines! "HONEY! WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY! USE YOU LAST WISH TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" Scott screams. "I can't" he replies, as he slumps to the floor, and the Klansmen begin knocking down the door. "WHY NOT!!!!??!!?" Jim paused and replied, "Because I ALREADY wished that we could be hung like black men." __________________________________________________ The Genie & Russian Vodka THE GENIE AND RUSSIAN VODKA A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle." __________________________________________________ An Arab spends many days crossing the desert Jewish Genie An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women." ***POOF*** The Arab is turned into a Tampon. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached. __________________________________________________ A guy finds a magic lamp and rubs it A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "As you wish," the genie replied. POOF! he turned into a toilet seat. __________________________________________________ A man walking along a beach finds a magic lamp This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?" "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl? Nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?" "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and woosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer...."